dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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