What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Last comment. I know of no exercises, diets or practices out there to help keeping balls young and healthy. They simply succumb to gravity.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
