So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
