My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Randomize
