it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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