giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Randomize
