recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Randomize
