I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
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