Well apparently he's into motor boating.
you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Randomize
