My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Randomize
