I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
Sober January is a disaster.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Randomize
