I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
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