just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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