I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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