just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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