he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
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