You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I just know... :) goodntight
Whoops, meant "goodnight", but the other is true too.
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Randomize
