I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
Randomize
