Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Randomize
