Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
I'm really busy with my period
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