I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Randomize
