I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
Randomize
