i think my mom watched the whole time
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
