and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize