It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Randomize
