I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
Randomize
