I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
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