I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Someone shattered a urinal.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
