I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Randomize
