Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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