I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
I have aggressive nipples.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
