We won't sleep together?
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Randomize
