true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Randomize
