remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
