I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Randomize
