i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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