she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Randomize
