..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
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