Pappa wants mamma naked
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
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