Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Randomize
