I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
Randomize
