I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
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