Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
