There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
