11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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