3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
Do you feel that fire radiating from matt's crotch for you
Gross. gingers suck
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize
