he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
I am one with the molecules
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
