Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
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