it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Randomize
