Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
