I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
My dick has a subreddit
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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