I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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