i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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