god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
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