why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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