I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
