i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
I woke up under a house in Key West
Randomize
