we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
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